“And I will open up my heart and let the Healer set me free.”
I Could Sing of Your Love Forever by Martin Smith
I have been having a pretty awful M.E. flare up. I suppose it’s no surprise after everything that has happened in the past few months. Even before Debbie died, I was holding this terrible grief for the friend I was about to lose. A pre-grief, if you will. Having been local for so many years, in 2015, I moved back to be near my family. Then Debbie moved a little further away so we ended up living a little over an hour away from each other. I can’t travel independently and towards the end, Debbie couldn’t drive, especially not that far, so it was a full on event whenever we saw each other. It was hard because I just wanted to see her all the time and I couldn’t, even though we were on the phone every day instead. We made it special every time we saw each other, which, thanks to my amazing wife, Caz, was at least once a month. But when someone dies, especially when it’s even sooner than you are expecting, you could see them every day and it still probably wouldn’t be enough.
“It hurts to live after someone has died. It just does. It can hurt to walk down a hallway or open the fridge. It hurts to put on a pair of socks, to brush your teeth. Food tastes like nothing. Colours go flat. Music hurts and so do memories. You look at something you’d otherwise find beautiful – a purple sky at sunset or a playground full of kids – and it only somehow deepens the loss. Grief is so lonely this way.
Becoming by Michelle Obama
After Debbie died, there was so much to do with the funeral and that in itself was an emotional task. Then there was the funeral itself – both of them in fact. And I kept going for a short while afterwards. I mean, I can never really do too much but I can potter about and do my little bits and bobs and I’m happy enough. I feel I have a purpose.
But a few weeks ago, I completely crashed. I couldn’t walk, talk, think, move. Nothing. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Ironically, I was attending my Realign to Your True Self group, run by Jan Mayfield online, which has really been helping me focus on getting well but I was too ill to complete it this time. I was absolutely gutted.
“I decided to just ‘give myself’ to it, heart and soul, to have faith that it would work, despite reason. I would think positively, believe that I was getting well, and then I would be well. And I wouldn’t let negative or critical thoughts or intellectual reasoning get in the way. As they arose, I would simply let them drift through me, like clouds you watch crossing through the tops of mountain ranges in the distance. After all, I had no choice. I was a person in intolerable pain. This route was my only possible way out. I had nothing left to lose. Believe it, and I would get better. Believe it, and be it.”
All in My Head by Paula Kamen, p. 133
After several weeks of basically sleeping, eating, watching TV and feeling very angry, I realised I had to stop fighting it, stop fighting myself. I had to remember everything that I had been learning on the Realign course over the last couple of years. I had to accept how I felt. That was the beginning of starting to feel better. I also had to feel grateful for everything, including feeling unwell, as it meant I finally stopped ignoring my grief and started to deal with it. I can even think of Debbie (not always) without bursting into tears. I am at the beginning of a long process.
“Strive to be happy and live to believe.”
‘Stand Up’ by Jessie J
Another thing that has really helped is… pets. We already have two cats. I adopted Ruby when she was just four months old. She has just turned sixteen and she is my baby. We have been through everything together – good and bad. She is pretty anxious around other people, due to being abused as a kitten before being rescued by the RSPCA in Brighton. But when we met, we chose each other and our bond has been unbreakable ever since.
Then we have Pluto (we didn’t name him!) My sister adopted him from Hastings RSPCA and then I adopted him from her a few months later in 2012, when he was ten months old. He is now twelve years old and still behaves like a kitten. He refuses to grow up. In 2017, we thought we were going to lose him, as he was diagnosed with a very serious heart condition that was meant to be life limiting. But it’s 2023 now and although he has to be medicated twice daily with three different tablets, he is as lively as anything. As I write, he is bombing around the garden without a care in the world.
But after Debbie died, Caz could see how much I was struggling and came up with the idea of guinea pigs. We had had guinea pigs before – Elphaba, Nessa Rose and Glinda. I loved them so much and after they died and we didn’t get more (we got a dining table instead), I really missed them. We didn’t think it was possible to fit a hutch into our lounge but with some rearranging, we managed it and very excitedly brought Karla and Susan home. They are named after Karl and Susan Kennedy from Neighbours (of course!) Sadly, after a week, Karla very suddenly died of some kind of underlying health condition. It was devastating, as she had been so happy and really grown in confidence. We’d said goodnight to them both the night before and she’d come out for a cuddle and been munching on her hay. And she must have been playing as she was mid-stride and in their play area when we found her.
It felt pretty heartless to get another pig but they cannot live alone and Susan is only a baby. We didn’t want her to get lonely and depressed so after getting her a full check up, we were able to find her a new friend – Valerie (Pittman from Doctors). We had never bonded guinea pigs before so it was a new but very rewarding experience for us. Guided by internet advice from the PDSA, we slowly and carefully introduced them, day by day. Upon their first proper meeting, they were besotted with each other. It was so cute, watching Valerie, younger by a couple of weeks, following Susan around the playpen, copying everything she did. It’s been over a month now and you wouldn’t know they weren’t actual siblings who had always been together. They do everything together and are the best of friends. They have very different personalities. Valerie is a lot more timid. She hates being picked up but once she’s in your arms, she loves a cuddle. She’s very calm and quiet but has the cutest squeaks and chortles. She loves climbing up on top of their houses and tunnels and things. Susan is absolutely bonkers! She is so loud and so hyperactive. She’s very nosy and always wants to know what’s going on. She’s really nosey! She is also a bit of a nibbler (but not in an aggressive way).
So, I thought we were pretty settled with the two cats and the two piggies. Then a week ago, we went to the pet shop to buy supplies. And we saw TJ the hamster in the adoption centre. He had been returned for being aggressive but since being returned, he had shown no signs of being aggressive at all and they had found out he hadn’t been given enough space or any toys. When I was younger, my nickname was TJ. It felt meant to be! Cosmic! I didn’t really think we could get him, namely because my Mum is our chief pet sitter and she is terrified all thing ‘mousey’ but Caz must have seen how excited I was, as she started eyeing up cages. After a quick call to my sister to see if TJ could have a holiday home with her if we go away, the next thing I knew, we were bringing the little (actually he’s pretty chunky for five months) guy home.
He is definitely not aggressive. He is so tame, so friendly, so cute, so inquisitive, so clever and so gorgeous. You’re meant to leave hamsters to themselves for the first twenty four hours, as they’re very anxious. He was so chilled, exploring his cage and every time we happened to go near him, he was climbing up the bars, asking for attention. It’s been a little over a week now and he has settled in so perfectly. He gomes charging out of his bed every morning when we put his food in his bowl, just so he can get extra cuddles. He loves running around and playing and we may have overdosed him with toys! And in the biggest shock of all, my Mum likes him! She has actually stroked him and conceded that he is ‘cute and clever’. Well, he must be pretty charming in that case! There is definitely nothing aggressive in him, that’s for sure; he is such a friendly boy, completing our little family and is already bringing us so much joy.
I think all this has been the key to helping myself feel better after grief and loss and this flare up of M.E. Not guinea pigs and hamsters specifically but first, accepting that this is what has happened and then finding joy in the things and places that you might find them. For me, it’s my wife, my family and my animals. They are the things and people that make my world complete and they are the things and people I feel so grateful for every single day. And from there, I know I can begin to feel well.
Just Keep Swimming 
Beautifully written. Straight from the heart! As always! I really enjoyed reading it. X
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Thank you so much – I really appreciate your support! x
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