“God is everywhere – you just have to clear your channel, or you’ll miss it.”
Friends, Lovers and the Big, Terrible Thing by Matthew Perry, page 161
I have been feeling terribly sad over the past few days, after learning of the death of Matthew Perry. Perhaps it is because the news is sandwiched between the death of my own best friend in February this year and the anniversary of the death of my father in a couple of weeks. Perhaps it is because I only finished reading Matthew’s incredible autobiography, Friends, Lovers and the Big, Terrible Thing back in September. Perhaps it is simply that from the age of ten, I was watching him as Chandler Bing, usually with my big brother, Tony, sat next to me on the sofa, laughing at every single line of dialogue, which we would then quote to each other constantly and quiz each other on, down to the finest detail. My reputation as a Friends fan was no more apparent than when so many of my friends contacted me to see if I was okay when the news of Matthew’s death was announced. Friends has always been my favourite show and Chandler was always my favourite Friend. When I woke up to the news on Sunday, I sobbed.
“At this point in my life, the words of gratitude pour out of me because I should be dead and yet somehow, I am not. There must be a reason for that. It’s simply too hard for me to understand if there isn’t.”
Friends, Lovers and the Big, Terrible Thing by Matthew Perry, page 227
Matthew’s book was one of the most honest memoirs I have ever read. Of course, it included some of the classic celebrity stories we all like to read – the movie and TV sets, the parties and relationships. But it was so much more than that. It was about how much his work and those relationships meant to him. And it was a brutally honest story of addiction and recovery. There were no excuses and no glamourisation. He didn’t try and cast himself in the kind of light where he wasn’t required to take any responsibility for himself. But he also had such intelligence and wisdom to be able to explain the intricacies and psychology of the illness of addiction to people who have not gone through it themselves, at least not in that way. It was an exceptionally moving book, even more powerful now that he is gone. And rereading the text now, there is an alarming foreshadowing of what has happened that is absolutely heartbreaking. Even just the first line of the book:
“Hi, my name is Matthew, although you may know me by another name. My friends call me Matty. And I should be dead. If you like, you can consider what you’re about to read to be a message from the beyond, my beyond.”
Friends, Lovers and the Big, Terrible Thing by Matthew Perry, page 1
Matthew was proud of and grateful for his success. But having come through all the terrible traumas he had, he had a mission to create a safe and sober space for people in need. He wanted this to be his legacy. Well, he will leave many legacies behind, I think. He will be the brave man who survived the deep physical and psychological trauma of addiction and everything it brings. He turned his life around and used all his experiences to save others. He shared his story, not just including the murky parts but highlighting them, in order to continue to do this. Nothing resonates more, does it, than when you hear someone’s story and it feels so much like your own? So many people, since his death have shared their stories of just how hard he worked to help them get sober. He turned his home into Perry House, a sober living facility. He was a sponsor. He worked to changed legal policies. His mission in life was to help others through their worst moments. And through that, he seemed to have found his peace.
“I am me. And that should be enough, it always has been enough, I was the one who didn’t get that. And now I do. I’m an actor, I’m a writer. I’m a person. And a good one at that. I want good things for myself and others and I can continue to work for these things. There is a reason I’m still here. And figuring out why is the task that has been put in front of me. And it will be revealed. There is no rush, no desperation. Just the fact that I am here and I care about people is the answer. Now, when I wake up, I wake up curious, wondering what the world has in store for me and I for it. And that’s enough to go on.”
Friends, Lovers and the Big, Terrible Thing by Matthew Perry, page 229
And of course, for so many, he will always be Chandler Bing. I saw an interview where he joked that because the show has never actually stopped running, people would bump into him and wonder why he looked so old.
“Are you Chandler’s Dad?”
But that’s the thing with Friends. It’s that comfort blanket. We know every joke. We can recite the script. But it’s still funny every single time we watch it. It’s aged pretty well, considering the first episode aired thirty years ago! I remember watching the Reunion a couple of years ago and it was so amazing to see the six of them on screen together again. I rewatched it on Monday and sobbed, knowing we will never have that chance again. I am now working my way back through the series from the start. I am halfway through season two and it still makes me laugh out loud, especially every line from Chandler. Matthew said during the Reunion that he felt like he would die if a line didn’t land and make the audience laugh. His anxiety was so high during that time in his life but he didn’t admit it to his friends and colleagues then. However, they became aware of his struggles and they supported him and loved him. Lisa Kudrow wrote in the Foreword of his book:
“He has survived impossible odds but I had no idea how many times he almost didn’t make it. I’m glad you’re here, Matty. Good for you. I love you.”
Lisa Kudrow, the foreword of Friends, Lovers and the Big, Terrible Thing by Matthew Perry
It is so incredibly sad to say goodbye to such a kind, clever, compassionate, funny man, who has been part of our lives for so many years. I’m not often a ‘celebrity death’ kind of person, only if I really like the person. And quite frankly, too many celebrities I like have died in recent years. This one is the most difficult. If he wanted to touch the lives of many in a positive way, to make them happy, to educate them on addiction, to support them if they were suffering, then he definitely achieved what he set out to do.
“God is always there for me now, whenever I clear my channel to feel his awesomeness. It’s hard to believe, given everything, that he still shows up for us mortals but he does and that’s the point: love always wins.”
Friends, Lovers and the Big, Terrible Thing by Matthew Perry, page 249
Just Keep Swimming 